What a decade it’s been!

Don on a Florida beach

As of July 13th, 2021, it has been one decade since the sudden death of Don Shepherd - and one decade of learning, growing, falling, living, grieving and figuring out this life after loss.

In the first few months and even years, things like breathing in and out and showering and getting up to go to work and attending family gatherings and deciding what to eat for dinner and who the hell cares anyway - seemed utterly impossible and unachievable.

Time went by. I worked my ass off with my grief counselor and in support groups and in meeting new friends and trying to solve the puzzles of grief - only to ultimately learn that grief cannot be solved - it can only be carried. And in the carrying of this grief, it shifts around and moves like luggage. Sometimes the weight of it was inconceivable, and other times it hurt my shoulders or my back, but I was okay. Grief was something you learn to live AROUND - and eventually, you find your way. It never leaves you, but you get to decide how to carry it. IF you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, that’s okay. It just means you aren’t there yet. It might take you 2 years or 5 years or 7 or 11 years to get there. Nobody knows, and nobody can tell you. You cannot fast-forward through this painful process, and oftentimes, that is the hardest thing to live with.

At the 5 year mark, I started dating again. Before that, I couldn’t imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Like I said, it takes time to see and feel what you can’t see or feel. Everyone is different. Some will decide they do not want to find new love. That is more than okay. For me, it was a process, and it was a matter of changing the relationship that I have with Don Shepherd into something that makes more sense today. I will NEVER let him go. He is a piece of my heart and he is part of my soul. I will love him always, and I will carry him forward in all the ways I love others, in my work with widowed people, and in all the many ways I choose to honor him. But he is no longer my husband. He cant be. Because he is dead. It took years of crushing tears and eye-opening realizations for my heart to really comprehend this, but once it did, my world opened up in a way that I never could have imagined. These days, I see Don as more of a life guide, a light in my universe, and a friend who stops by in my dreams, in signs, and in endless feelings of connection. We are forever bonded in a brand new way. It is not the way I imagine when we got married - but it’s still so freakin' beautiful.

On New Year’s Eve of 2020, I got married. My husband Nick is a beautiful man, and I know that Don had something to do with bringing us together. I just know it. Nick helps me to honor Don in so many ways, and yet, we have our very own unique relationship that is just ours, and it is filled with joy and wonder. Every day I am terrified that I will lose everything all over again - that he could die and all of this will go away. But I choose to love him anyway because life without love feels empty and lonely - and I want to cherish every second that I am being loved and loving someone else.

My entire website disappeared a couple of days after July 13th, so I have been unable to write up the Pay it Forward blog (It will be written soon, and it’s awesome!). It’s a long story of how and why the site disappeared, but with it, my entire blog was gone. I had to start over. This was devastating and heart-wrenching for me, but once I wrapped my brain around it, I was able to see forward into a bigger message. I want to go forward with the purpose of continuing to tell the truth about grief and loss, and also to share the joys that life after loss can bring when you are courageous enough to allow it in.

If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, don’t worry. You’re just not there yet.

And that is more than okay.

All you need to know for now is this -

In the end, and in the beginning, it's all just about love.

All of it.

Always.

All the time.
Thank you all for being such a huge part of my love story, and for letting me be a part of yours. Stay tuned.